As promised, here’s a running diary of yesterday’s tailgating events. This idea is blatantly stolen from Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy. These events are mostly factual.
6:15 am: My alarm goes off. Snooze.
6:22: Snooze.
6:29: Snooze.
6:36: Fine, I’m up. This is ridiculously early hour to be waking up on a Saturday, but reports are that campus is starting to fill up rapidly. We want to get a prime spot that has access to electric outlets, so we’re aiming to arrive at 8 am.
7:00: I call Stephen on the way to his house, and am not surprised to discover that he slept through his alarm. I have to give Stephen a bit of a pass though, because he’s been living in San Francisco, and it was really 4:00 am to him.
7:10: Stephen greets me wearing only boxers. Inappropriate. I load the car while he presumably showers, and we head to campus.
8:15: We arrive at campus to find things already pretty hectic. Stephen did a bit of scouting the night before, and found spots right next to the chemical engineering building that have access to an outdoor electrical outlet. The only problem is that all of these spots are handicapped. Our solution? We have Stephen’s mom’s handicapped pass. The morality of this maneuver is questionable at best, but we press on.
8:20: A GT police officer is making a group of about 10 guys move their gigantic RV, which is taking up three handicapped spots, so that "handicapped" folks like us can park in them. At this point, I’m fairly certain that these guys are going to dump hot embers from their 2-ton smoker on our car once the cop leaves.
8:45: Ben arrives with some wings for lunch after a 20-minute hike across campus. Stephen decides it’s a good time to crack open beer number one. You can expect to see the phrase "Stephen cracks open beer number X" several more times. He’s decided that 12 is a good number to aim for today.
8:50: For the day, Ben has chosen to wear long yellow pants and a long-sleeved dress shirt, very practical for 90 degree weather. I can’t really talk though, because I have a long-sleeved shirt on as well, although I brought a gold polo to change in to. Stephen is wearing the jersey of his favorite player, Reggie Ball, and looks like a 5-year-old dressed in his big brother’s jersey. I have now commented on the wardrobes of three guys. Things just got a little less hetero in here.
8:57: Stephen cracks open beer number 2.
9:30: My dad arrives with a 100-foot extension cord, which enables us to hook up the television and satellite dish. You’d think that three GT grads would’ve remembered to bring a long enough extension cord, but here we are. Now we just need to get the dish set up, and we’re good to go, just in time for Gameday on ESPN.
9:35: Stephen cracks open beer number 3.
9:45: Okay, so we’re having a few problems with the satellite dish. But no worries, we still have 15 minutes before Gameday starts. Just a little repositioning will do.
10:00: Still no TV reception. Now we’re getting a little frustrated. I call Cameron for the third time to elicit help, but there’s really not much you can do when you’re 90 miles away in Athens.
10:20: Stephen cracks open beer number 4.
10:30: We absolutely cannot get the Direct TV to work. We’ve gone to look at the other tailgates with satellite dishes about 25 times, and still don’t know how to position the damn satellite. I’ve given up, but Ben and Stephen press on.
11:00: Stephen cracks open beer number 5. In the meantime, we’re shifting positions of our tent, because that’s surely the problem with the satellite dish.
11:15: Stephen’s roommate from San Francisco, Megan, arrives with her boyfriend Jeffrey. We now have 5 people who don’t know how to set up the satellite working on getting reception. We’ve probably dropped the Direct TV box on the ground about 10 times now (Cameron, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I think it still works though).
11:30: One of the other tailgaters from the RV takes pity on us and tells us we’re aiming the dish too high. Now, two and half hours into the process, we think to lower the tilt of the dish to 45 degrees. Still doesn’t seem to want to work. We’re making our final move to across the street, completely isolated from everyone else.
11:50: WE HAVE TELEVISION. It’s even more glorious than I imagined it would be. We catch the last 10 minutes of Gameday, and then move on to Vanderbilt at Michigan, the only game on TV.
12:15: Stephen cracks open beer number 6. We start heating up the wings for lunch.
1:00: A friend of Ben’s from work arrives, and Ben goes off to visit the fraternity houses with him. I fear we may never see Ben again. Somehow the thought of staying with 3 guys and 1 girl at a tailgate completely away from every other fan is less appealing than coeds at the frat houses. Go figure.
1:15: Stephen cracks open beer number 7. I throw away the 5 leftover wings from lunch. Ben likely hears this from the frat house, and sheds a tear over the $1.25 those wings cost.
2:00: Stephen cracks open beer number 8. We’ve also reached the point of the afternoon where Stephen begins making bets while intoxicated. Someone should alert his bank that between the hours of 12:00 pm to 8:00 pm on Saturdays and Sundays, no deposits should be made into his Sporting Bet account. His wager of choice today is a $360 bet on USC vs. Arkansas. The fact that he was victorious is meaningless; nobody should make a $360 wager while drunk. Maybe I’m just mad because he’s better at gambling drunk than I am sober.
2:30: Ben calls me from one of the frat houses to say these exact words: "I probably won’t be back, this is much better than your tailgate." That Ben is quite the gem.
2:45: Stephen cracks open beer number 9. I get a call from Cameron saying that they’ve left the UGA game and will be joining us at the tailgate in a couple hours. That’s exciting, he can see all the damage we’ve done to his Direct TV.
3:00: Stephen cracks open beer number 10. He’s really moving through them now. This evening is going to be interesting. By my count, he’s also made 14 trips to the bathroom. He broke the seal at about 8:20 this morning. He also chooses, and not for the first time, to curse at the Chem E student who kicked out the beer can holding the door to the building open.
3:30: The Michigan game is over, and we’re waiting for the next ESPN game to come on. I’m hoping for Akron at Penn State, or perhaps Virginia at Pitt. What comes on? An LPGA event. WHAT?! This is the first freaking week of college football, and they’ve chosen to show women’s golf?! I’m furious. That means I’ll actually have to change the channel. Unreal.
4:00: Stephen cracks open beer number 11. I try to start a mini poker tournament with him, but he doesn’t seem to have too much interest, as he can barely hold the cards. This becomes the only time I have ever defeated Stephen in poker.
4:30: Now the crowd is starting to roll in. My parents, along with the Wehner’s (family friends and Irish fans, sadly), and Brigid arrive. Mr. Wehner has a 12-pack of Killian’s Irish Red to add to the cooler, which is exactly what we need. My dad is very impressed with our tailgating setup, which means that I can probably convince him that the thing we need next to improve the experience is a 52-inch plasma. That or an RV. Really the only things missing.
5:00: Stephen cracks open beer number 12. Keep in mind that this is 12 by my count. I very well could’ve missed two or three. He’s gotten extremely quiet. Following beer number 12, we force him to drink two bottles of water, and that perks him up a bit.
5:15: Oh, look who’s decided to show back up! Ben is stumbling towards us, looking a little rough. In his state, I can’t believe he found the tailgate again. Ben comes back to the tent, and immediately uses a road sign to prop himself up. He appears to be sweating some sort of liqueur, perhaps Jagermeister.
5:30: Ashley, Cameron, and Scott arrive from the UGA game. Scott and Ashley are still wearing their UGA garb, while Cameron had the good sense to change. We all begin throwing the football, which appeals to drunken Ben. He calls for the ball, and I wing him a perfect spiral right at his hands. Sadly, his judgment is somewhat off, as the ball completely misses his hands, and heads towards Brigid and Ashley, who are sitting together on a cooler. The next few seconds happened in slow motion for me, as the football ricocheted off the pavement, right into Ashley’s face. Think Brady Bunch episode where Marsha gets hit in the nose, only not nearly as brutally painful. Ben denies having a role in this calamity, while I sell him out by explaining exactly what happened.
5:31: Ashley is horrified, and Brigid is upset because she almost got hit as well. She’s now taken our football, and refuses to return it. You’ve won this round, sweet Brigid, but like a champion prizefighter, I will regain control and emerge victorious.
5:32: Scott and Cameron are very upset, and rightly so, at the theft of the football. To appease them, I offer gifts of grilled hamburger meat and beer/Coke. They quickly accept my penance, particularly Scott, who devours said burger without taking a breath.
6:00: Stephen’s dad and brother-in-law Mark arrive, and they have two flask size bottles of Jim Beam for Stephen for the game. Stephen’s liver smells this recently arriving alcohol and weeps a bit.
6:30: Things are in full swing now, as we have about 13-15 people milling around. I’m trying to cook for everyone, and any alcohol that I once had in my system has been sweated out. Cameron and Scott manage to snag the football from Brigid, and somehow Ben convinces them that he’s sober enough to be throwing. The spiral coming from his direction is not so tight.
6:45: Realizing that perhaps Jim Beam isn’t the best thing for him to be having during the game, Stephen hands me one of the flasks his dad brought. I commend Stephen on his judgment, even though deep down, I’m disappointed.
7:10: We decide that it’s about time to start cleaning up, as we want to be in the stadium by kickoff. Everyone helps me pack up, which I’m very appreciative of. Ben hunts through all the coolers for one more beer before we pack up, and Stephen decides that he did in fact want that flask of Beam. Atta boys all around.
7:20: The tailgate is over, and we’re heading for the game. Since we were pretty spread out in the stadium, I can only speculate as to what happened the rest of the game for everyone (except for Ben, because he was right in front of us). There are several possibilities for Stephen, so we’ll kind of make this a "choose your own ending adventure."
- Stephen drinks both flasks during the first quarter, and calmly passes out for the rest of the game, leaning his head on Mark’s shoulder. (certainly the least likely scenario)
- Stephen drinks both flasks during the first half. He somehow manages to work his way over to the South stands in order to scream at Brady Quinn and Charlie Weis as the Irish head into the locker room for halftime. (Still unlikely, but if anyone was at the NC State game where Stephen called Philip Rivers a "F*&@!N P!@#Y B^%@H" in this exact same situation, you’ll realize this as a possibility)
- Stephen drinks one flask in the first half, and is finishing his last Beam and Coke on the walk to the MARTA station with Mark. Upon arrival, a MARTA police officer requests that Stephen pour his drink out before entering the train. Stephen scoffs at this, chugs the remainder of the drink, throws the cup in the officer’s face, and is quickly beaten with a billy-club. (We’re just going to pretend that this is what happened)
Good times were had by all, and everyone emerged unscathed. While the stakes won’t be nearly as high, we’ll do it again next week.
~JLC
